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PLOG: 8 Years Long and A Choice

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Definitely by far one of the hardest thing I had to do. Even ended up in tears. Choices in life, not sure if this was a right one but it's what I had to do....

It's another lengthy PLOG. This is after all a blog to just talk about life and what ever happens. 
Read if you want or just skip and check out the other stuff on the page :) <3

Not sure where to begin this but yeah. It has been an amazing 8 years journey of being a CL. Honestly, this is gonna sound lame but ever since I joined the youth ministry, I had always wished to be a CL. I guess at the age of 13, it seemed so prestigious and well part of the popular group. Sounds so vain right? Well all these came to reality when I was appointed as a TM the very next year. I was excited and all so bubbly for my first duty as a TM. 

Little did I know that with great power comes with great responsibility. Sounds so cliche right but honestly I was a little naive. I didn't know much and I wasn't really ready. But you know what? I took up the challenge and even though I wasn't really qualify, I still did it because there was a need and well, I would want to serve my best in any given opportunities.

During the time of being a TM. I lead, I council, I listened, I cared and I loved every single one of them. This continued even when I moved and became a CL myself at 19 years old? Honestly I forgotten. But from when I was 14-18 years old, the time, my love, my thoughts and my worries were all given to them, to all of the girls and even to those that are currently overseas studying. 

I don't know if they realize how much I gave them and even the tears I shed for them during disappointments or heartaches at miscommunication situation. I got hate, talked back, ignore and all of the other shizz you can think of during my service of both a TM & CL. I went through it all. The same for being a CL. It's like a whole cycle again. Being there as a friend, a listener, an advices, an older sister or a mother. I really love all of them. And sometimes it is tiring and draining. Sometimes, I just rethink if I am qualify for this role.

Recently I started going for events, I know this is a little side track, but I do enjoy going for them. Blogging is like my new found hobby and my part time job. Honestly I feel like I found my thing. Others might be playing the guitar, drawing, cosplaying or singing? Well this is mind and I do find it hard to balance both being a CL and blogging. With the events and ensuring that I am fulling my role as a CL was like being pulled from the left and right. I was stuck in the middle.

I am just a 22 year old and I am experiencing life at a time. Sometimes I am viewed as a bad example and words travel fast. The things I heard and the things that are being said, stabbed like a knife to the heart. But I knew that they weren't wrong. It was what I did and it might not have been a good example to them especially to the younger ones since parents don't like their kids going out all the time and I guess I might be the opposite of them.

The constant expectations. My daily life. Shizz happening with me. My health. My family. My friends. My family. I guess with everything that I have on my plate and I review them all, it's time to let something go. After 8 years of service, I realize maybe I am not cut out for this role especially with what an example I have been. I don't want to influence them or to push them away from growing with the lifestyle that I am living... Don't get me wrong, I ain't saying what I am doing is bad, just that most conservative parents might not agree with it. 

My dream for them is to be able to have a good relationship with God and to be able to be strong to face the world with the challenges that came in their way. I seen most of them pass through primary school, high school and college. Sounds like a mother right? Don't get me wrong, I don't regret this journey and I do feel that it was an honour to have been chosen to be someone to help guide them.

I am just sorry that I could not continue the journey. It was definitely by far one of the hardest thing I had to do. I even ended up in tears. It wasn't a plan for me to share it with you all today but I guess it was time. To those that I scared with my tears and my crackly voice, sorry, that is the only time you will ever see me cry. I don't cry in public and I just don't know what came over me. It's funny how our body would speak what the heart has to say the most.


Choices in life, not sure if this was a right one but it's what I had to do
xx
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Jess is an adventurous Malaysian girl with a soft spot for food, shoes and all things romantic. She loves fashion and traveling too. Diversity excites her, therefore she would tend to try out everything she gets a chance to ✌ [It's Jessy] (http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-03f5fetL2yM/VcjMybyGvRI/AAAAAAAAk_Q/HSNlhlRdbRI/s1600/11428132_938657246181010_1642264289_n.jpg)